lacking a punchline,
an extra dimension,
a title that unifies
lacking a punchline,
For years I have struggled from
the indispensability of your words and
this endless resistance has left me
deranged, breathless in a perpetual vertigo.
As I immerse myself in your
indisputable wisdom, I am awash with the
light from your tear-spilled eyes that are
shining with dreams that I used to dream
You stare at me, unblinking, with profound
intention, like a sad, musing raven,
like an unexpected judgement.
I turn away with a jolt of heartache,
And the black inertia, with its venomous teeth,
devours me from the inside.
I have no choice but to rage
with every cell of my being
to pursue a life that does not involve
your innocence and your love
so I can prevent you from being stained
by the dark parasites living deep
down inside the shadows of my soul.
So I tread on glassy roads and I
tremble from the steps that I take
and I break
away from your angellic wings
your beautiful vulnerability
and seek desperately a place
a place where I will never be found
to keep you safe.
When you looked at me
The teapot acquired a mind of its own, and
It pushed away my rigid fingers
Broke free from my trembling hand
That was yearning for the side of your face
And something to hold onto
All of a sudden I could hear nothing
Nothing at all, nothing
But shards of porcelain-screams
Smothering my heart in monstrous bites
Its blood, the blood of the teapot
As brown as the bark of a tree,
Trickled down my palm and
Carried away the little, frantic pulses as it passed over my wrist and
Splashed ruthlessly onto my kimono
A hot stain branded onto an unfortunate nightingale
Slashing its neck with its liquid, careless brush
I could do nothing as it reached
For the soft-pink cherry blossom trees
Making them wither
I could do nothing as it ruined
A perfectly stitched world
And took away its stillness with an alien colour that was both
Permanent and destructive
A colour that matched your attentive eyes
Noticing every single move that I made
I apologized for my clumsiness
Bowed away the heat that was burning my hand
My onesan, my older sister, my mentor, dramatized my silliness
By stressing that it was my first time entertaining a group of men
As an apprentice geisha.
“Why, Chairman, look what your charm can do to a girl!”
You only smiled, that generous smile that gave me hope
So many years ago, when I was just a little girl
As much hope as a thousand paper cranes could carry
Into the sky
I listened as I wiped away the spilled tea from the table with a cloth
Drying the mess on my hand
As a maid came in to do the rest
And I blinked, and snuck glances at you
I wondered if it was possible that
You figured out my sister’s protective lies
Flung out skilfully, jokingly into the air
Lies that were spread elegantly on the tatami floor
Half-shining with a golden hue that both sickened me and frightened me
I wondered if you knew that behind the painted paper fans
A geisha put on a smile like she put on makeup
Affections might as well be frustrations and disgust
And the kinds of persons we geisha allow you to see us be
Were as real as any illusion on a hot summer day
And I wondered that despite all this—
If it was possible for you to have the slightest suspicion
Just the tiniest bit of doubt that
Those words, spoken by my sister
In her act of mending the discourteous
And ridiculous gesture I conducted—
“Why, Chairman, look what your charm can do to a girl!”
Had it ever occurred to you that
Those words, coming out from a mouth of a geisha
Could actually and accidentally been the truth?
This poem is closely based on the story of Memoirs of a Geisha, a book by Arthur Golden, which I just recently reread. I think it’s a beautiful story, and I was inspired to write this poem. It’s not exactly the same as the original story, but it’s very closely related, anyway.
Also, I read my poem (this poem :D) in public for the first time. It was a small, friendly crowd at West Minister, the Great Wall Tea Co. I was really nervous before I went there, but I loved the experience. I will be more active and start spreading my name! 🙂
Tonight when the clock strikes twelve, it’s your turn to be afraid
You hold me in your arms, because you can’t stand being alone
I let my eyes rest, counting the shadows in your dreams
Shadows shaped like hands in a nightmarish breeze
Those awkward grabs in the muggy air satisfy me
I have found a new way to be happy
They’re coming for you
This is not what you’re hoping to hear
You lower your gaze and take a look at the mess beside our feet
Pieces of my heart shattered, scattered, littered
Everywhere on the living room floor, where we first made love
And also where pleads and mockeries congeal
Rolling back and forth on their bellies
Becoming indistinguishable as a chunk of goo
Like a deformed, melting baby
This is your moment
Your moment of glory. Days ago you reached out to me with your words
Blood trickled down my numb, zombie-face
A blade stuck in my left ear, etched in flesh
While our broken love fought its way in, deadly and corrosive
I had failed to defend myself from this unexpected infestation.
I love you.
I think I understand what an apocalypse feels like now
I have learned how easily a world can end
It’s you leaving me, and it’s as simple and as childish as that
That makes you a good teacher, though you’re not that much of a learner
Which is why you will never understand the jolt of pain in your chest when I slap you across the cheek
You will never understand the anger you feel when I call you a dog-hearted bastard
You will never realize the way your nails curl inward and scoop up your flesh, a shitload of blood gushing out
Even if you’ve seen it coming, you won’t be able to prevent it
You will never find that time bomb I have placed inside of your kidney, which will explode in precisely fifteen seconds
Taking me with you, though I’m already gone
Note: This is not based on personal experience. I do have an ex but I did not plant a time bomb inside of his kidney. Okay, maybe he is stupid, because all ex’s are, but let me just declare my total detachment and non-involvement in the emotions and actions described above. I am merely experimenting with a dark, psychotic voice. And to those of you who’ve been reading my poetry for a while…you’ve probably noticed I’m a pretty dark person LOL but only in my literature, not in real life. Thanks to all of my regular readers ❤ I don’t have a big circle of readership, but I really appreciate the ones who come to my blogs and read my poems.
From Kim, with lots of love, and why am I babbling about this I do not know. 😀
P.S. Oh and yes, I know it’s physically impossible to plant a bomb in somebody’s kidney…it’s more of a metaphorical thing. 😀
Darkness spilled in from the windows of our houses
Our dreams became the splinters in our mind
And every time we tried to wash the blood off our hands
We scraped off skins, muscles and cells
But we were rotten to the bones
Endless darkness, down down down to our very core
There it was, the curse of the devil gnawing at the our heart
Our ability to love
We offered forgiveness to those who offered something in return
We performed charities only we had something to gain
We loved only when we were loved more
And we cried and complained when we weren’t love enough
We had overcome that darkness
We had thoroughly absorbed it and made it our own
Darkness had become us as we lived in light.
Eventually, we are light.
In my hand I hold a piece of sunlight.
It crumbles. Pulled to the ground by the gravity of its love.
Its love for earth. Like golden cookie crumbs and a child’s toothless smile.
Back in those moments when we knew nothing at all. Ignorance is bliss.
Back in those moments when the sky was just the sky and it was vast because it is was.
That was before we tried to understand everything. Before we lived by the so-called reason.
What good has reason done for us, so far? This reason. Ha. We think it is the truth.
We point at it and name it the truth. It becomes the world we live in today. It becomes our vision, a kind of blindness. It becomes God. It becomes Evil. It becomes whatever it needs to become so we can exist.
Like the Matrix. You have seen that movie? I just watched it last night.
And I think that world is not so different from ours.
Who really is our enemy?
How can you tell what’s real or what’s not, what’s love and what’s hate, what’s life and what’s death—
You’ll know it’s real. No, seriously.
Tell me if this is real. Tell me if your life is real.
Tell me this world isn’t what I think it is. Tell me.
Tell me when it’s all over.
Tell me that we live in a utopia and not chaos.
But hey, we are.
Don’t you know?
We are in a utopia. Of course we are.
We are in a utopia.
And that’s the truth. That’s the reality.
Why am I so sure, you ask?
I have my reasons.
For the second time
The centipede’s back arches. Spikes of twisted glory.
Its million legs cast a shrieking shadow
Over fallen cherry blossom petals and
Your breath away.
By Kim T.