Her world revolved around perfection,
balanced on top of her surreptitious efforts
to avoid annihilation. Too many mouths to feed, too many
demands, too many dead-ends, too many what-if’s,
too many if-only’s—she was burdened by a meta-awareness
that reverberated through the sully caves
of her battered soul. She lied to herself to survive,
questioned every little detail of her life,
examined everything with fanatical care
and predicted, enacted every possible predicament
in her pretty little head for she was scared
by the things she thought she knew.
Should she fail,
the universe would shatter, a glass castle besieged
by an army of ghosts, and people’s faces
would darken, a darkness that she gravely feared,
would fall. There would be no redemption, only perdition.
Her very heart, held wholesome and beating
by this pitiful fragility, pumped wearily against
her mellow ribcage, in the shadows. To not care
meant to tread on thorny roads, to move mountains
with her bare hands, to drink a river dry with spoon.
Yet she heard it; she heard it constantly: step into
the light. Embrace the sun. She yearned for it. Yearned
for that light that would set her free—and one day she was saved—
saved her from the claws that were
etched in her flesh and she watched the chains around her
feet come undone and joy come pouring through the chasm of
darkness, a shower of golden energies, an ever-shining
rain that cleansed her anew, and made her see
the beauty, the perfection of imperfections and herself.
A world where nothing mattered and everything mattered and
she doesn’t give a damn because she is who she is. She
doesn’t care if she fails or if she makes a fool of herself,
because aren’t we all fools when we think we look like fools,
because aren’t we all human when we try to be above and beyond,
because aren’t we already the best of who we are
if we simply just be.
I was a perfectionist, and perhaps I still am. You have no idea how difficult life is when you’re a perfectionist. But recently, I’ve changed. Why should I care? Why do I care? There are too many things I can’t control in life and I don’t want to be just merely surviving, I want to be living. I’m not scared anymore. I’m free.