My tentative head slowly retreated;
a timid turtle seeking shelter
in the indispensible silence, a casual
impersonal disconnection from
my surroundings, somewhere that
was safe, where I remained withdrawn,
unspoken to, wordlessly smiling.
My voice was a quiet one. Phrases
that emerged out of my throat
easily lost their coordination
and function, always ending up
tangled, in the nearby molecules,
lost between empty places, configuring
spaces. Like a dampened cloth I
hung undisturbed on a shadowed rack,
my existence melting, blending
into the scene.
Most of the time you wouldn’t know
what I was talking about, since I never
was able to say what I intended to say.
But how I yearned to be understood,
how I craved for verbal expression,
and how I hid behind my shyness, hugged
it to my chest like a child’s teddy bear
and how I wished to be free from this
imprisonment, this inconsolable
genetic code, this auto-lock of speech and
self and this subliminal separation
and sedimentation of my character.
How I wish I could be. I could be
so much more. So much more
Went to an icebreaker event last night for this club I joined (oh shoot…I forgot to pay the membership fee!) It took me a while to adjust to it since everyone spoke Mandarin, and I hadn’t spoken Mandarin for a while LOL but anyway. The usual social situation for me–I was braindead because I was shy and I couldn’t speak up because I was sick and I sounded like a old hag (and unsuccessfully joked about it and made a complete idiot out of myself) and also I totally screwed up my self-introduction. Bleh. And all the time I was too self-conscious of my throat which felt like it was turning into sandpaper.
I really ought to just take it easy, eh?