It’s funny how this phrase sashayed into my life and recent moments. I’m reading a book titled exactly just that, Inside Out (a collection of essays by Evelyn Lau) and while I was reading that book, this song I was listening to just happened to mention that phrase in its lyrics.
I believe that God is always listening to me, always reassuring me and giving me guidance. For that I am grateful.
What phrase can be more exact, articulated and proper for what I’m going through right now? Inside out. That’s precisely it. Inside out. All those feelings, ideals, censored emotions and the person I want to become are all pouring out like an unrelenting wave. All of a sudden I am released from myself, from years of suppression and restraint that seemed insuperable. Hurdles that loomed desperately, daring me to jump them when I couldn’t–wouldn’t. I have learned that to overcome your worst fears and anxieties, the only way is to overcome them. Just like what everybody else says. Face them. Simple, but inexplicably arduous. Somehow, those irrational and overrated worries made the confidence that I was seeking sleazy and inadequate. I couldn’t bring myself to do something outside of my self-regulated world. I was so afraid to overstep the boundaries. Afraid to cross others. Afraid to have contact with them.
But deep down inside, I have always craved for attention. I wanted to be noticed, but I prevented myself from being seen. I didn’t want to appear to be too proud, too vain, so in my overdone modesty I hid. I hid in my own little world…
My thoughts are chaotic right now.
Everything is coming out. My voice. My self. My emotions. Especially my voice. Why was I so afraid to be heard? Now I talk excessively, express freely and at times I even stop myself, afraid that I’m rude for babbling so much. It’s unstoppable…this outburst…things melting outwards, spilling out, becoming free. Freer. I had always doubted myself. I never expected this kind of courage from me, but I guess it’s always there. I only needed to find it–something I had told myself over and over when I was afraid, and now, it came true…
That shyness, that inwardness of mine, is now obsolete. This feels amazing, the feeling of not holding back. Disembodied from that overly and hysterically anxious self that I used to be. At last I wean myself off from that internal disaster and shackle.
At last, I’m free, and I’m becoming freer…and it feels awesome.